I knew that this would happen.
Here I am — torn over two gowns.
Funny thing, though: I am not just writing today about deciding between two wedding dresses. Heck, I haven’t even tried on dresses. That is about to change. Actually, a lot of things are changing for me, and that happens to be what I’m torn about.
Tomorrow I graduate. There is your first gown. I sure have been busy this semester! I was a full-time student in graduate school, taking two independent studies, serving on several committees, attending conferences, working a full-time job, and… have I mentioned that I got engaged? Lucky for me, my immune system seemed to know that I was in need of some reflection time… I find myself able to reflect on all kinds of stuff now that my doctor has me on bed-rest! This immuno-suppressed vacation hasn’t been good for my blogging… or anything actually! I’ve been sleeping the entire time! Today is the first day that I’ve been able to look at the computer screen! This is also happens to be the first time that I’ve really had time to reflect and decide what it is that I am really thinking…
I am excited, but anxious to bring this chapter of my life to an end. The anxiety isn’t necessarily the excited kind. More like nervous-excited. Like every time I think about graduating I am flooded with a strong sense of accomplishment, pride, and excitement about what’s next. The butterflies in my stomach quickly turn into lead when the pessimistic, type-A side of me sneaks up and taunts:
“Not knowing what’s next isn’t a good thing at all.
It is an unsafe thing.”
Trust me, turning the page on this whole school thing is something that I’ve been waiting ages to do! Now that it is here, I am clinging on to the corner of that page with everything that I have. Why? This is a chapter that I know. I know it well. It is a crazy, overwhelming, stressful chapter that has surely taken its toll on me from time to time… but I am quite used to that stress. In fact, I think that I may be one of those weird little sickos that enjoys a chaotic lifestyle. Speaking of chaos:
After the graduation ceremony tomorrow (provided that I have the energy) I am going to try on my first wedding gown. Talk about stress… if that is what I’m looking for — look no further! Let’s be honest: white is not forgiving, not to mention that tons of dresses are made to look flattering on a size 2 (which in the bridal world can be closer to a size 6… ouch). There is the second gown… well, kinda. There will be tons of gowns, but I don’t think I’m ready for that commitment! It is one dress! How can I be ready to narrow it down to one dress?
Then again, am I ready to graduate? Who really knows? Ready or not — it’s here. Time to close my eyes and take that leap of faith. That is just how it works sometimes. You can’t always see what is directly ahead of you, but that is the beauty of it all. The good thing is that we’re in a good place right now. If all goes as planned, we should have plenty of time to decide what’s next. I am a firm believer that all of these things will come together. It won’t happen on its own; it will take hard work and motivation, but it will come together. Whether it is careers, homes, gowns, or decorations life has a way of happening with or without your permission! I just have to take a deep breath…
Wish me luck!